Shopping Malls: The next Weapons of Mass Destruction

As life the U.S. becomes more regulated and restricted everyday, I've noticed there is one common location where there seems to be absolutely no oversight or concern for the well-being of the average American consumer. The shopping mall. I was in the mall this evening and it amazed me that everywhere I looked, there were things going on that would normally cause 50 agents from the Department of Homeland Security to swarm the joint in 10 seconds if it was anywhere else. If this sounds crazy, consider the following:

- In any department store, there are cosmeticians wearing white lab coats.  Why? Are they putting eyeliner on one customer then the next minute they're testing the white powder in the envelope for anthrax?

-There are 3 dental chairs right next to Auntie Anne's Pretzels where at any given time, a dental hygienist is performing teeth whitening procedures.  RIGHT NEXT TO THE PRETZEL SHOP! People should not have any type of dental or cosmetic work performed 10 feet away from a food kiosk in a mall!

- You will always find a common area or children's play area that weary parents let their children loose in for about 25 minutes that turns into an unsupervised UFC steel-cage match.  This is known as a "character-building" opportunity for these kids.

- You will be assaulted by no less than 17 kiosk employees trying to smear age-defying cream on you, strap a fake pony-tail to your head, make you wear sheep-skin boots that are hideous, or stab you in the head with a "massaging rake." Many of these encounters could be the subject of some sort of Law & Order" episode.

I am afraid for our future and the future of the children of this country.  But the next time I do need to go to the mall, I'm going to make sure the Revlon lady at Macy's tests my Cinnabon for Avian Flu.