My tombstone will read "I died from eating a balanced diet"

It has been an interesting week so far to say the least.  After meeting with the nutritionist for the first time, there were a number of areas identified that could be improved upon, one of them being the daily amounts of fruits and vegetables to be consumed.  Essentially, I needed to increase it from 0 cups a day to 2 cups of fruit and 2 and a half cups of vegetables because apparently cherry Pop-Tarts aren't considered fruit. 

Now I am a medical oddity, but not in the obvious sense regarding my brain function. I have discovered after about 4 years that include numerous trips to the hospital, several diagnostic scans and even exploratory surgery, my system does not digest roughage very well.  This includes eating large dinner salads, carrot sticks, celery, apples and I would imagine most species of trees.  I have tested negative for all of the obvious disorders and internists, gastroenterologists and a colon-rectal surgeon have no explanation for why this continues to be a problem.  I have had success in the past with small amounts of these foods, so I thought I would take a chance on Sunday and eat 6 baby carrots with some bread as a buffer.  Well, that did me in. 

I drove myself to the ER (I'm used to the ordeal by now and I can maneuver a car while in the fetal position) and they sent me home because I wasn't screaming loudly enough in pain at the time because apparently I need to be more liberal with my use of the pain scale.  So, I drive myself back home, get through the night and spend most of Monday in pain until I finally talk to my gastro doc and he tells me to go back to hospital and have the ER doc call him on his cell phone. Long story short, I am admitted to  for observation after a CT scan reveals a partial bowel obstruction.  One of the fun experiences I had this hospital visit was the privilege of having a nasogastric tube inserted which is the equivalent of having your transmission fluid drained through your nose. I got a shot of morphine before this was administered, but 2 minutes isn't quite long enough for it to kick in sufficiently.  After about 19 hours I get to go home and I am right back to where I started. 

So, the new eating plan isn't going as smoothly as I had envisioned and I'm not sure my life insurance will cover me for incidents involving a healthy lifestyle. Nonetheless, I am determined not to be defeated by the carrot stick and I will push onward and upward.  But first, I think I'm going to go drown my sorrow in a can of Redi-Whip.